|
Welcome to the The Family Center of Utah Valley and Parent Information Resource Center! We offer parents a helping hand by providing information, materials, and ideas to help encourage development in your children and to strengthen and enrich family relationships. See our fall schedule for classes and workshops.
Starting in late September, The Family Center of Utah Valley will be offering a new program--The Listening Program,a clinically proven, music-based auditory stimulation program targeting young children who demonstrate delays in attention, concentration, focus, communication, speech and language, social skills, physical balance & coordination, memory, listening, sensory integration, and those children who fall into other at-risk categories such as autism spectrum disorders. This program is the first of its kind to be offered in Utah Valley. Call 785-9673 for more information.
Positive Intent How often do you look for the good intentions in your child when they have made a mistake? Often times as parents we are quick to criticize and jump to the wrong conclusions. By approaching situations with the goal of looking for the positive intent of our child we will find greater success in our capacity to resolve the situation, along with an increased love for our child and ourselves. Following these six basic principles will aid our quest for finding the positive intent in others. #1. See the best in others. When our children behave appropriately it is easy to see the good in them but when they misbehave it is more difficult to see their positive qualities. Children who frequently make “poor” choices rarely receive recognition for their desirable traits. By seeing the good in our children we are encouraging them to continue the positive behavior in the future. When children feel appreciated and their actions are linked to that appreciation, they are more likely to repeat those positive actions. When we are consistently looking for the good in others, the positive emotions will stick with us, and create more frequent positive emotions within ourselves. #2 What you offer to others, you strengthen within yourself. When we emit positive thoughts toward others, we too are affected. Likewise, when we attack others (verbally or physically) we are harming ourselves as well. An African proverb reads, “What you see with your eyes you value in your heart.” If we are constantly seeing hurtful, mean, and negative things, then we are constantly valuing undesirable traits. When we offer love and gratitude to others, we will feel better within ourselves. #3 Children are either extending love (when they are behaving positively) or calling for love (help). Children learn how to react to situations through the modeling of others’ behavior. If a child acts poorly an invitation has been sent to us to model appropriate behaviors. If we become upset we are focused on what we did not want to happen, instead of focusing on the teaching moment. #4 Create teaching moments by transforming resistance into cooperation. Assuming your child has a negative intent is a subtle form of attack. Often we try to make children feel bad about their choices instead of turning the situation into an opportunity for learning and growth. It is easier to remain calm when we attribute positive intent to others. Calmness is a key aspect in teaching. For example: Your four year old spilled juice all over the counter as he was trying to pour it into a glass. If we react to the situation with anger we are assuming the child spilled it on purpose. If we use positive intent, we remain calm and realize our child was just trying to pour juice and lacked the skills or strength to do it without spilling. We could then turn the situation into a problem solving session about how to pour juice without spilling. #5 Attributing negative intent to children teaches “gang readiness” skills. If we get mad every time we are confronted with an ambiguous situation our children will learn that it is okay for them to get angry as well when they are presented with a similar situation. When we get angry and attribute negative intent we label our children as “bad”. Children who feel negatively about themselves are more likely to seek out friendships with other “bad” children and to become bullies. Positive intent teaches children different ways of getting their needs met instead of using violence. #6 Children cannot behave differently until they are seen differently. If you are consistently seeing your child as “bad” then your child will be bad. If you are constantly seeing your child as “good” then your child will be good. No matter what your child does, if you see them as a certain way then that is how you will feel towards them no matter what they do. Positive intent is a key ingredient to creating happier, healthier relationships. Adapted from Conscious Discipline, by Dr. Becky Bailey, Ph. D. To learn more of Dr. Bailey’s parenting techniques take the Touch A Heart Teach A Mind Class”. See Fall Class schedule.
Empathy Empathy comes from deep respect for human feeling. It is the ability to listen, understand, and be sensitive, to feel the feeling of others, and to communicate back to them. Empathy builds a foundation for your child’s sound emotional development. It plants seeds for a healthy family and sets the cornerstone for a happy, loving life. When you empathize with your children, they realize that you care about their feelings and ideas. Your empathetic response to your child’s emotions helps them feel validated and gain insights into themselves. True empathy demands that you listen to your child’s feelings and thoughts without needing to change them. When you empathize, you teach your children the following:
There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. When kids feel right, they’ll behave right. We help them to feel right by accepting their feelings. Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings but rather try to control them. For example: “You don’t really feel that way.” “There’s no reason to be so upset.” “How can you feel hot. It’s cold in here.” “Why are you angry?” When we respond to our children in this way we are telling them not to trust their own perceptions, but to rely on ours instead. Children have a right to all their feelings. Feelings serve us as our core system for discerning right from wrong. Feelings are our moral navigators. We do not need to stop having them. We need to express them appropriately. To understand the emotions of another person, you must first accept and acknowledge your own. It is impossible to teach children skills we have not mastered ourselves. Therefore, we must learn to feel our feelings and to express them in acceptable ways. Until you feel your feelings, you will not allow your children to experience theirs. To empathize with children, you must first offer yourself empathy and compassion. Accept your feelings instead of denying them. Out loud, tell yourself, “I feel frustrated and it’s okay.” If you don’t verbalize your feelings you will act them out like children. Of all the languages in the world, the most difficult language in which to communicate is the language of feelings. The more skilled you become at reading your own feelings and those of others, the more caring you will be. When your child is upset, offer empathy. Your task is to act as a mirror to her feelings and experience. Reflect back to her your best guess as to what you believe she is experiencing. Offer a clear description of her feelings and perceptions. Your observations will help your child to “see herself” and become aware of her situation. When your child achieves an awareness of her feelings, she has taken the first step toward managing these feelings. How you respond to your child’s upset teaches them how to respond to the upset of others. To empathize with an upset child, use these three types of statements to let her know you understand.
Empathy is not a tool to eliminate children’s feelings. It is a process that helps children recognize and understand their feelings and themselves. Feelings do not need to be fixed. They are not wrong or dangerous. Feelings are a part of our humanity, helping us grow and learn. Without them, life is empty. The more a child receives empathy the more “whole” they become and the more efficient is their brain organization. Before you can empathize, you must stop equating disobedience with disrespect. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.
Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes it easier to bear. Taken from, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey, Ph.D.
|
