September 2006

What Children Can't Do...Yet

When working with children under eight years old keep in mind what they are ready for and what they are not; what they can do and what they are unable to do…yet.

I can't share.
Children use possession of objects as a device to understand autonomy. Just as babbling comes before talking, so owning comes before sharing. To share fully, a child must first fully possess.

I can't say, "I'm sorry," and mean it.
Saying "I'm sorry" has little meaning to the young child. To say, "I'm sorry" and understand what you are saying, you must also be able to understand how the other person feels.

I can't remember what you told me.
Most children remember only what is important to them. A child may not remember that you just told them to walk, and not run, while indoors. Adults often forget that children have trouble remembering.

I can't focus on more than one task at a time.
"Pick up your toys, put on your shoes, and wash your face; we are going out to play." This command has three more tasks than a young child is able to focus on. Most young children will remember the last task or the task most important to them. With the above command, all the child may focus on is that he or she is going out tot play.

I can't understand negative commands.
If a child reaches to put his or her finger in an electric wall outlet and you say, "don't," the child is confused because he or she doesn't know how to reverse their action. Saying, "Pull you hand back, that's dangerous" gives the child a positive action to take.

I can't measure.
When you want a child to pour a glass of milk or juice and you hand him or her a full pitcher, expect the child to pour all the milk into the glass, even if it pours all over the floor or table. Young children do not understand that all of the milk will not fit into the glass and so keep pouring until it's too late.

I can't tell you the truth when you set me up.
If you see a child do something inappropriate, and you ask if he or she has done it, the child will probably deny it. Don't ask the child if you know what happened. That only sets them up for failure.

I can't sit still for very long.
Young children are often told to sit still, while their bodies are telling them to move. When the large muscles in a preschooler's arms and legs are growing rapidly, they cry out for exercise. As a result, preschoolers feel a need to move about.

I can't play with other children until I am ready.
Children go through different stages of social interaction. If allowed to grow at their own pace, they will begin to interact with other children when they are ready.

I can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy.
When a child has a bad dream, it is very real to him or her. Telling a child not to be a "baby" does not help. Playing fantasy is real for the child and very important for control and development.

I can't express myself in words very well.
Children resort to physical means of communication because they often don't have the verbal skills to express frustration and other feelings. You can help by giving the child words to use.

I can't wait.
Try not to put children in situations where they have to wait for long periods of time. Waiting often makes taking turns difficult.

I don't understand right and wrong.
Because young children don't understand cause and effect relationships, they can't fully understand right and wrong. A young child does not understand intentional versus unintentional actions, can only see issues from his or her own perspective, and views issues as black and white.

I can't be ready until I'm ready.
Children all grow and develop at different rates. Don't compare children or force them to do things before they are ready.

Dan Hodgins writes from Flint, Michigan where he is coordinator of the child development program at Mott Community College.

September 2005 Newsletter

Come Play With Me!

“Play is a child’s life and the means by which he comes to understand the world he lives in.”—Susan Isaacs, Social Development in Young Children

Play is a vital part of every child’s development. It is the way children explore the world around them and develop practice skills. It is essential for physical, emotional, and spiritual growth; for intellectual and educational development; and for acquiring social and behavioral skills.

From day one, children are eager and determined to understand how the world works. They do this through play, using all the “tools” they have at their disposal. An 8-week- old learns about communication and the joy of close relationships as he smiles, coos, and gurgles when his dad talks with him. A 15-month-old uses her body and mind to learn about up and down, high and low, and how strong and competent she is on a trip to the park with grandma. A 3-year old playing pretend develops her own ideas, uses her imagination, and builds friendships.

Playing with a child is not only fun, it’s one of the most important ways you can nurture your child’s development. There are no rules when it comes to play. And you don’t need fancy toys. In fact, you are your child’s favorite toy. Every child is unique. Your child may have special skills or special needs. Follow their lead and let them show you what interests them. When they see the pleasure and delight you take in their discoveries they’ll want to play more and more. Play will benefit parents, too. Being spontaneous and having fun can relieve stress and create positive memories for both parent and child. The power of play is bonding to your child. And when your child is engaged and having fun, they are learning. Play is truly the work of childhood.

When your child is stringing beads, inserting pegs, cutting paper with scissors, pounding a nail with a hammer . . . they are learning small muscle development which will help when using a pencil, paint brush, or knife and fork.

When your child is building with big and little blocks . . . they are learning size and proportion (big and little) for capital letters; lower case letters for reading readiness and math readiness; and shape and size classification.

When your child is matching puzzles, catching a ball or drawing a picture . . . they are learning eye hand coordination which will help them to write and to use buttons and zippers.

When your child is jumping, dancing, climbing, bouncing balls, etc. . . . they are learning to develop large muscles for good physical development and feeling good about themselves.

When your child is making sounds with different musical instruments . . . they are learning to recognize different sounds to “sound out” letters and words for reading.

When your child is using different shaped objects . . . they are learning to recognize shapes for forming and reading “letters”.

When your child is waiting for a turn, choosing an activity or sharing a toy or book . . . they are learning problem solving.

When your child does all these things he builds connections in his brain.♥

Parenting Tip: Humor

“Effective parents play without worry about maintaining their adult image. They color, play hide-and-seek, and experience the world of make believe.”

Toddlers laugh around 400 times per day but this number dwindles to 16 laughs per day for adults. Have you noticed how we frequently become so concerned with what we consider the “important” and “serious” aspects of childrearing that we ignore the absurdity and delight? We allow the daily hassles to overshadow the joy and unintended funny moments that show up in day-to-day parenting. We often become so occupied in the costly environment of our grown-up world that we overlook the free humor offered by our children.

Humor helps us stop asking questions like: Am I being a good enough parent? What are other people thinking about me as a parent? How can a small person have so much power over me? Rather than being fearful about our effectiveness as parents, we can exercise our ability to look for the funny aspects of parenting and find the joy in the otherwise negative aspects of parenting. Humor helps us step back and laugh.

No matter how humor-impaired you think you are—whether you believe you have defective humor genes or an overly serious perspective on life, or have lived through a devastating childhood—you are curable. Opening your eyes and ears to the humor around you is an important first step in experiencing a full recovery. Comedians have long known how to tickle our funny bones, but each of us can learn to self-medicate with laughter when we need it the most. We can learn to laugh at ourselves and to teach our children to laugh at themselves, too. Merriment can help everyone face and learn to manage stress.

We can begin by increasing our silliness quotient (SQ). This remedy involves examining our willingness to play and be silly without fear of how it looks to the neighbors. We can learn to renew our sense of childhood play—a sense that was corrupted by some of the more disturbing aspects of growing up. Your SQ is easy to calculate. Take your actual age and subtract the age you act when you are playing with children and multiply by 10. For example, if you are 35 and you act 35 with children, you would have an SQ of zero (35 - 35 X 10 = 0). If, however, you are 35 and you act 10 when you are playing with children, you would have an SQ of 250, reflecting the score of a true play genius. With this formula, advancing age has its advantages, particularly if you maintain your sense of play.

“The willingness to recapture silliness is a growth process—an exercise in putting aside expected adult behavior.”

Humor is frequently referred to as a “sense”. Here’s what it can do:

· Minimize distorted perception of danger.

· Help manage anger and reduce conflict.

· Provide breathing room for constructive, loving, and logical decision –making.

· Assist in communicating difficult feelings.

· Enhance feelings of well-being.

· Augment creativity.

· Strengthen social relationships.

· Reduce stress.

· Create a home environment of warmth and joy.

“Humor skills are not bulldozers designed to clear the roads of unwanted problems, but they can provide shock absorption for the bouncy ride.”

If you want ideas of increasing humor in your family check out the book, Humor, Play & Laughter: Stress-Proofing Life With Your Kids, by Joseph Michelli, Ph.D. This book is available for check out at our PIRC library.♥

May 2005 Newsletter

That’s Using Your Senses

If it’s sticky, messy, grainy, gooey, lumpy, or bumpy your kids will probably love it. Your child’s spectacular curiosity is fueled by sensory stimulation. Sensory play benefits your child’s learning and skills including:

Creativity
Fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination
Social skills such as sharing and cooperation
Self-control and confidence
Problem solving and experimentation

Many sensory materials are normally used in other ways and that makes playing with them all the more fun for young children. A good way to present sensory materials is to put them in shallow plastic tubs or containers. Make sure you closely supervise your child.

Suggestions for sensory materials:

Sand, wet or dry. Add sea shells, sand molds or toy construction vehicles.
Fall leaves. Great for the rustling sounds they make
Ice cubes. Scoops and plastic glasses make this a cool project.
Shaving cream.
Ivory Snow and water. Foamy and sudsy. Wash the doll clothes in this.
Water. Basic and popular. Provide plastic pitchers and cups for pouring. Investigate things that float and sink.
Dried beans, rice, or oatmeal. (old or stale works great) Provide scooping and pouring toys. Bury small toys for your child to find.
Cotton balls. Soft and snuggly. Great for pretend snow with out the cold.
Easter basket grass or shredded paper.
Walnut hulls, gravel, litter etc. (Pet stores carry
Potting or garden soil. Provide small garden tools and plastic flower pots, or a farm play set.

Here’s a sensational play dough recipe that will stimulate several senses:

1 cup flour 1 TBS cooking oil

½ cup salt 2 tsp. cream of tarter

1 cup of water 1 tsp. powdered alum (optional)

Combine first six ingredients. Add the following if desired. 2 pkgs Kool Aid or 1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract, food coloring, or glitter. Cook over medium heat and stir until mixture forms a soft ball. Put on wax paper until cool enough to handle. Knead smooth. Store in an air tight container.

Picnics and Barbeques

Summertime brings picnics, barbeques and watermelon eating contests. Family meals have been a time honored ritual and an important part of American culture. The sharing of food at meals has been a symbol of family unity, love, connections and communication. Changes in family structure, maternal employment, and stress due to hectic schedules from balancing work, family and children’s activities have reduced the frequency of the family meal ritual and there is concern that it is disappearing.

The frequency of family meals is associated with more positive dietary intakes and healthy behaviors. They can facilitate family interaction, communication and a sense of unity.

The family mealtimes:

Allow children to feel secure that they will be fed and promote coming to the table hungry but not “starving.”
Promote an improved intake of nutrient-dense foods and a reduced intake of nutrient poor foods.
Parents can role model healthy eating behaviors and a healthy relationship with food and eating.
Eating can be a focused activity if other activities such as television viewing are not taking place; there hunger and satiety cues can be attended to and respected.
Promote a feeling of belonging when family members come together and can lower the risk for loneliness-induced eating for comfort.

Do family meals matter?

Several recent studies have found a positive association between the frequency of eating family dinner and dietary quality in older children and adolescents. Frequency of family meals is associated with greater intakes of fruit, vegetables, milk, less fried food and soft drinks, and higher intakes of several nutrients including calcium, iron, vitamins, fiber and less saturated and trans fat intakes.
Studies have also shown a correlation between frequent family dinners and reduced risk that a teen will smoke, drink or use illegal drugs.
Family mealtime conversations play a crucial role in child learning vocabulary and language skills that in turn enhance reading and othr cognitive skills.

Water Water Everywhere!

Children love to play and explore with water and summertime is a great time for water fun. When children pour and scoop water they improve their fine motor skills and their coordination. When they experiment with water and what they can do with it they increase their intellectual knowledge. When they talk about what they see and do they improve their language skills. When they engage in water play with others they gain social-emotional experience.

Your child can learn science and math ideas through water play. He can learn that water has weight, that its weight helps things float, that water can evaporate into the air and come down again as rain, that water flows downhill, that some things disappear (dissolve) in water, and that water can freeze into ice and then melt back into water. He can also learn about volume, measurement, and size as he pours water into various containers. He learns problem solving by figuring out ways to make things float.

Always make sure to stress basic safety rules with water play and never leave your child alone while playing with water.

Try these fun ideas:

© Punch holes into the sides of 2-liter bottles at varying heights. Fill with water and notice how far the water spurts from each hole. Ask your child, “What happens if we push the empty bottle in a dishpan of water?”

© Painting with water. Give your child a paintbrush and a small bucket of water. Tell them to “paint” whatever they like. The colors brighten and shine when wet and become duller as it dries. Paint things in the shade and sun to see which dries faster.

January 2005 Newsletter

Ten Hallmarks of Children Who Succeed in School

They are eager to learn.
They ask a lot of questions.
They work hard & know their efforts matter.
They have well-developed social skills.
They are good at identifying their own skills.
Their parents are role models for learning.
Their parents look for learning opportunities at home.
Their family routines support doing well in school.
Their parents are effective at setting limits.
Their schools have high expectations.

Ramey, S., Ramey, C., (1999) Going to School: A handbook for Parents of

Sept 2004 Newsletter

Helping Mom and Dad: Growing Together Through Family Work

What comes to mind when you hear the word “housework?” If you’re like me, you think of sweeping, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, picking up stuff off the floor, etc. etc. Perhaps a negative feeling sits in your stomach as you think of these thingsIf these tasks seem mundane, overwhelming, and even in the way of “living a good life,” I propose a few ideas to help us let housework provide a positive opportunity to grow closer together as a family, as children and parents each contribute. *

View Housework as an Opportunity to Nurture. We can show our care for family members through serving them- providing meals, cleaning - helping keep a positive, healthy atmosphere for growth in the home. Because housework needs to be done every day, we have an opportunity to serve family members each day!

Work Together as a Family. Do you feel the need to get the household work done so that you can spend quality time with your family? Families can grow closer together as fathers, mothers, and children care for one another side by side. Time spent working with family members is quality time. Plant a garden and care for it together! Wash dishes. Sort the laundry. Give children the opportunity to care for other family members- they need to feel they are a contributing part of the family team.

Avoid a Business Mentality at Home. Is “top efficiency” in your home always worth it?A father who set to complete all the dishes in a brief Time frame quickly learned his goal would not be possible as he allowed his 5-year-old to help. But a special bond was strengthened between the father and child as they worked together. To the father, the extra time spent was worth it. If parents make time for willing children to help, relationships will grow. And children will be more likely to want to help when they’re older!

Do not expect “perfect products.” As family members help, you may have to relax some standards about how tasks are done. A child may not load the dishwasher as efficiently as you’d like, for example.

Focus on the process Encourage the child’s efforts, and don’t expect perfection. If you feel it’s important for the task to be completed a certain way,gently guide the child, demonstrating what to do and encouraging him along the way- “I like the way you made your bed. Would you like me to show you how I get the wrinkles out when I make my bed?”

Be careful about using money to motivate your child.Money may interfere with the child’s developing initiative to contribute to the family’s needs. Encourage children to help because they are needed as a part of the family.

List chores clearly where children can see them, and avoid repeatedly reminding or nagging. Toddlers can be calmly and pleasantly reminded: “After you read those books, put all of the ones you read today on the shelf.” But remember you want the child to eventually develop his own initiative and responsibility to help the family. Constantly reminding the child puts the responsibility of the chore on you- the parent. Rather than repeatedly nagging or doing the chore yourself, simply apply consequences. If you use job charts for preschoolers, draw pictures to illustrate the chore. Ie: draw pajamas and an arrow to a drawer to illustrate, “put your pajamas in the drawer.”

Choose age-appropriate chores. Observe children’s mental and physical abilities, and assign chores that aren’t too overwhelming or confusing. Keep jobs simple and clear for preschoolers- instead of “clean your room,” say “put your toys in the toy box.” Following is a brief list of age-appropriate chores from Elizabeth Pantley’s Online Advice.**

Ages 2 to 3: Put toys away, fill pet’s food dish, put clothes in hamper, wipe up spills, dust, pile books or magazines, choose clothes and dress self.

Ages 4 to 5: Above plus, make own bed, empty wastebaskets, bring in mail or newspaper, clear table, pull weeds, water flowers, unload utensils from dishwasher, wash plastic dishes at sink.

Ages 6 to 7: Above plus, sort laundry, sweep floors, handle personal hygiene, set and clear table, help make and pack lunch, weed, rake leaves, keep bedroom tidy, pour drinks.

Remember each child’s abilities vary. Try different tasks with your child and observe what kinds of things he can do. It may surprise you what your children can learn with some guidance! Relationships will be strengthened as family members care for each other through household work. Let house work be an opportunity to serve one another, rather than something to get out of the way for a “better” family life. Bonds will be formed and valuable lessons will be learned as you and your family work together daily in small, yet meaningful ways.

*Ideas are from “Family Work,” Bahr & Loveless, Brigham Young Magazine, Spring 2000, and sources listed below:

Want to learn more?

Here are some additional sources. They are very informative and rich with ideas. Ask the PIRC for handouts if you don’t have internet access. Ask the PIRC about free workshops on "Children and Chores" or on "Family Work".

Babycenter.com. Ask the Experts, “When Can my toddler start doing chores, and what kinds are appropriate?,” Susanne Denham, Ph.D., http://www.babycenter.com/expert/toddler/ toddlerdevelopment 6833.html. Or search babycenter.com for “chores.”

Colorado State University Cooperative Extension, “Children and Chores,” Tami Coyle, 1997, http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/ columncc/cc970925.html, or go to http://www.ext.colostate.edu, and search For “chores.” Excellent site.

Center for Effective Parenting,“ Children and Chores,” Zolten, Kirsten, M.A. and Long, Nicholas, PhD, 1997, http://www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/General%20 Parenting%20Information/chores.htm, or go to http://www parenting-ed.org/ and search for “chores.”

**Elizabeth Pantley Online Advice, “Should my kids do chores? How do I encourage them?” Find article online: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/content/q anda/chores.htm or to http://www.pantley.com/Elizabeth, click on “online advice,” and see article listed, “Should my kids do chores?”

Kids and Chores, “Getting Kids to do Chores.” http://www.amomstouch.com/kidsandchores.htm

Empathy and Parenting

Dealing with a child who is out of control and throwing a tantrum can test the patience of even the best parents. Understanding a few basic facts about the brain can help us help our child to gain control.

The lower part of the brain, or brainstem deals with survival issues and avoiding pain. If a child shows physical expressions of upset that includes kicking, hitting, and lashing out they are reacting from their brain stem.

The central part of the brain or limbic system deals mainly with feelings and seeking pleasure and often manifests through verbal expressions of upset like name calling, complaining, and whining.

The higher part of the brain or cortex deals with problem solving and higher level thinking. When we use this part of the brain we are able to accept what is happening and are ready to solve the problem.

When a child is upset they are not using their higher thinking skills and our job as parents, according to Dr. Becky Bailey, is to be like an elevator operator. We are to assist children to move from the lower levels of the brain up to the problem solving areas. With each level children become more organized, calm, and in control of themselves.

Example: Your child is out of control and flailing arms everywhere.

Start by describing what you see: "Your arms are going like this, your feet are stomping, and your eyebrows are pulled tight (demonstrate). More than likely her body will organize and her mouth will take over. "Stop it. I hate you!" At this point, reflect back what you think the child is feeling. "You seem very angry." This will help the child organize their emotions enough to begin expressing the real problem. "You won't let me do anything." Reflect back to the child what you heard. "You think I don't let you do what you want to do?" This opens the way for the child to express their real issue. "I wanted to play with Carmen and you said I had to clean up." With the problem out in the open, you can sum up what happened and teach the child another way of expressing themselves. "You were disappointed when you heard you couldn't play with Carmen. It's hard not to be able to do what we want. You have a choice. You can clean the paint or the brushes in the sink. Which will you do?"

Your intent is critical to the use of empathy. If you intend to make a child stop acting out feelings a certain way, your tone of voice will betray your motives. Empathy is bigger than merely compliance or obedience. It is wiring a brain that can process disappointment, frustration, and anger without acting out in a hurtful manner.

If we get angry at our child, the child's attention is directed toward us and not toward the lesson they need to learn.

Our lending library has several books and tapes by Dr. Becky Bailey as well as other excellent parenting resources for you to check out. Please stop in today.

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