Parent Handout

www.familycenter-pirc.org

A program sponsored by The Family Center of Utah Valley

Choices

Giving children choices helps them feel good about themselves and you

From the time you pack the first diaper bag until you pack the last duffel bag and they leave the nest, life with children is filled with choices and negotiations.  Toys, naptime, sharing, thank you notes, movies, curfews, hairstyles, schoolwork, practicing music, friends…

Giving your child choices is a positive, necessary-for-learning thing. Human beings crave control. When parents feel “out of control” they’re typically not a joy to be around. The same goes for our children. Young children are in the process of learning that they are separate beings from their mom and dad. They are learning to define who they are by discovering their own likes and dislikes. They often have a need to assert themselves when they hear an adult command, which can lead to a face off or power struggle. Offering choices is a wonderful skill to have in your parental repertoire. It asks us to acknowledge free will in others and structure situations whereby children are more likely to be cooperative. Offering choices allow children to comply with your wishes while having the “last word.” By offering children two positive choices you help them do the following:

1. Attend to the task you deem important.

2. Comply with your wishes.

3. Learn decision-making skills.

4. Feel empowered, thereby reducing power struggles.

5. Redirect their behavior and learn impulse control.

6. Establish and maintain self control.

Skill comes from understanding when children can and should make a decision and when they are unable to make a choice. There are situations where your child has absolutely no say in the decision-making process. These include all of those related to health and safety. "You must wear a helmet when you ride your bike" You may not play with that knife because you could cut yourself." If there is a concern for their safety while walking down the stairs, you could give them the choice of how to walk down the stairs: "Would you like to hold the handrail or hold my hand?" They don't have the choice to do it alone. Children don't have a choice about taking medicine when they are ill, but they can have the choice of how they will take it. "Would you like to take it from a spoon or from a dropper?" Or, "Would you like to take it with water or with juice?"

Some parents say things like, “Do you want to go take a nap?” “Do you want to eat lunch now?” Does you child really have a choice. What if you child says, “No, I want to play.” These are times when choices shouldn’t be given. Your child should begin to realize that she cannot have input into every situation.
 

Rules for choices:

·         Never give a choice on an issue that may cause a problem for you or anyone else.

·         Make plenty of “deposits” in the form of small choices.

·         For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be ok with you.

·         If the child doesn’t decide in 10 seconds, decide for him or her.

·         Give choices before resistance, not after. (When we give choices after kids become resistant, we reward resistant behavior.)

·         Use care not to disguise threats as choices. (“Are you going to settle down or go to your room.”)

·         Only give choices that fit with your value system.

·         When things aren’t going well, make a “withdrawal”. (“Don’t I usually give you plenty of choices? Yes. Now it’s my turn. Thanks for understanding.”)¹

Take care that the choices you give don’t turn into threats.

Steps to delivering two positive choices:

1. Breathe deeply. Be a STAR (Smile, Take a deep breath and Relax)

2. Tell the child, “You have a choice” in an upbeat tone. For older children say, “Seems to me you have a couple of options.”

3. State the two positive choices you have created to achieve your goal. Say, “You may _______________ or you may ________________.” For older children you might say, “Feel free to __________ or __________. What would be better for you?

4. Complete the process by asking the child to make a commitment. You might say, “What is your choice?” If the child hesitates, you may want to repeat the choices.

5. Notice your child’s choice. Do this by saying, “You chose ___________!” in a very encouraging tone. Be sure to make this comment. It will bring crucial awareness to your child about his choice. Children who are aware of their choices will not only feel less controlled, but will also have greater self control.²

Two positive choices optimize the chance for cooperation.

Examples of choices:

Are you going to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt?

Do you want to put your pants on first or your shirt on first?

Are you going to wear your jacket or carry it?

Do you want apple juice or grape juice?

Do you want to brush your teeth in the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs bathroom?

Should we leave now or in 15 minutes? (Of course, ask this fifteen minutes before you really need to leave!)

Do you want to hold your toy when you get in your car seat, or would you like me to hold it until you are ready?

Are you going to pick up the blocks first or the cars?

Do you want to climb down with mommy’s help or climb down by yourself?

Are you going to sleep with the door open or closed? Night light on or off?

Sometimes kids make the wrong choice, but that’s okay, we call those mistakes, and it’s your choice when you are going to let them make mistakes they can learn from. You do it when they are old enough, skilled enough, and when it’s not more dangerous than they can either handle, or recover from easily.

Giving children choices helps them feel good about themselves and you. See how many choices you can give to your children today.

1Parenting With Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, M.D.,

2Conscious Discipline, by Dr. Becky Bailey, Ph.D,

http://betterkidcare.psu.edu/TIPS/TIPS309.pdf