Parent Handout

www.familycenter-pirc.org

 

 

 

 

A program sponsored by The Family Center of Utah Valley

 

Self-Esteem

 

In a study on the causes and effects of self-esteem, Dr. Stanley Coopersmith discovered that there were clearly identifiable differences between the family lives of children with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem. Parents of high self-esteem kids generally showed more love and acceptance of their children through simple everyday expressions of affection and attention than did parents of low self-esteem kids. The latter parents tended to be highly critical and vocally judgmental of their children most of the time.

 

Parents of high self-esteem kids were less permissive, less ambiguous, and more consistent. Parents of low self-esteem kids tended to be inconsistent and unclear. Either they never set rules, or they didn’t follow through with enforcing the rules they had. Children with high self-esteem tended to come from homes with an overall democratic tone and practice. They grew up believing that their opinions mattered. Their parents paid attention to them and to their needs and wants, and took their suggestions and contributions seriously.

 

Positive self-images produce positive behaviors, while negative self-images produce negative behaviors. One way or another we consciously or unconsciously modify our behavior to match our inner expectations. Children who act in negative ways are often found to be doing so primarily to match their behavior to a pre-formed poor self-image. They want to be consistent with their self-image so they act in ways they think someone like them is supposed to act. This process acts both ways. Children who think they are good, capable, lovable, and competent will act as if they do have these qualities. This is why it is important to instill a sense of positive expectations in each of our children.

 

Ideas to build your child’s self-esteem:

 

Celebrate your children’s uniqueness. Help your children understand how miraculous it is that there is only one of them among all the world’s billions of people. No one on earth, no matter how smart, beautiful, strong, talented, or rich, can ever be a better version of themselves then they can be. The realization of uniqueness can be one of life’s most empowering discoveries. Imagine how free your child will feel when he understands that the only person worth comparing himself to is himself. Do not compare him with others.

 

Use the power of words. Jack Canfield, when he was at the University of Iowa, did a study in which he had graduate students spend a day following average two-year-olds from average families. They discovered that these toddlers received a total of 432 negative messages from their parents (such as “don’t touch that!”) as compared with 32 positive messages. At this rate is it any wonder that kids grow up feeling insecure about their abilities.

 

The most successful parents are those who have their eyes and ears open to their children’s doing things well, such as acknowledging the times their children do clean their rooms or dress neatly. Our desire for parental approval continues to affect our feelings about ourselves no matter how old we get, no matter whether our parents are living or dead.  It is important to see your children as students of behavior with you as the teacher. If you acknowledge each action as progress, you will find it easier to give a positive comment. The more you reinforce your children’s positive behavior, the more effective they will learn it.  Give yourself a daily homework assignment of rewarding each child with positive statements.

 

Help your children experience competence. All children need experiences of competence both large and small that demonstrate to themselves that they can accomplish tasks and can be counted on to meet challenges successfully. Start giving them small tasks at an early age--something the child can accomplish--and feel self-satisfaction and success. Step by step children progress into accepting greater responsibility. Success builds on success until the child believes he can accomplish anything he chooses to attempt.

 

Find little ways to show you believe in them. Few feelings in life are more wonderful than knowing that your parents are on your side, believe in you, and will stand by you through thick and thin. Write encouraging notes and remind them you think they are lovable, capable, and worthy of your confidence. Display their artwork, drawings, and attempts at writing. Place emphasis on the process of artwork, not the product. Say something special about your child to another adult and make sure she overhears your conversation. Don’t talk in front of your child as if he weren’t there. Avoid using unkind nicknames or terms of endearment that your child doesn’t like. You know teasing isn’t real, but your child doesn’t. If you call her “stupid” or “dummy,” she may believe you.

 

Avoid saying, “Good job!” for every little thing they do. Instead describe what you like in specific terms and let the child be the judge. Say, “I see you coloring with the red crayon,” or “You did it! You put on your shoes and now we’re ready to go.”                                                                                                                 

Fill the cup of self-esteem everyday.  Take the opportunity every day to give your children gifts of the heart. Ask yourself daily, “If it were entirely a result of what I said and did today, how would my children feel about themselves? What have I done today to fill their cup of self-esteem to overflowing?”  Nothing communicates like the gift of time. Give your child your undivided, focused attention. When you spend time with him, he feels that he must be valuable.

 

Self-Esteem Checklist

To gain an approximate assessment of your child’s self-esteem, check off items that describe your child.

 

A child with high self-esteem:   Is proud of his or her accomplishments. Can act independently. Can tolerate frustration. Approaches challenges with enthusiasm. Feels capable of taking charge of situations in his      or her own life. Has a good sense of humor. Has a sense of purpose. Can postpone gratification. Seeks help when needed. Is confident and resourceful. Is active and energetic, and spontaneously expresses      his or her feelings. Is relaxed and can manage stress.

A child with low self-esteem:   Avoids situations that involve risk-taking. Feels powerless. Becomes easily frustrated. Is overly sensitive. Is easily influenced by others. Frequently uses the phrases “I don’t know”, and      “I don’t care.” Is withdrawn. Blames others for his or her failures. Is uncooperative and angry. Is uncommunicative. Is clingy and dependent. Is constantly complaining. Has a generally negative attitude