Parent Handout

www.familycenter-pirc.org

A program sponsored by The Family Center of Utah Valley

Virtues

The Latin root of the word “virtue” is “virtus” meaning strength, power, capacity, and energy. Virtues are recognized by people everywhere as necessary for the survival of a civilization. In the United States, moral decline is decreasing at an alarming rate with the breakdown of the family, an increase in violence and sexual promiscuity, crime, drugs, and civic irresponsibility. Thomas Jefferson warned that “ when we don’t educate the mind and the heart, we have an outlaw . . .” What virtues are important to your family—caring, cleanliness, forgiveness, honesty, excellence, loyalty, love, obedience, patience, justice, service, etc. Naming a virtue for your children encourages its mastery and communicates the message “You have this power. I see it in you.”

Say it when you see it!

What virtue will I look for and acknowledge today? _____________________________________

Example: “James, you are being very peaceful today in the gentle way you have been playing.”

It is possible to spot virtues in even the most troubled child. It is like putting on a helmet and a miner’s light and entering a mine in which you know there are hidden gems. When you see a glimmer, shine your light on that gem of virtue. The most powerful virtues acknowledgements—those that have the greatest impact—are directed at virtues that a child is showing in an area which is challenging for the child. Acknowledge them for any improvements in their “growth” virtue when you see even small progress. By naming the virtue you are encouraging the child to bring it to light, to let it shine.

What virtue is a “growth” virtue for my child?  (One I would like to see improvement in) ____________________________________________________________________________________________

What virtue is a “growth” virtue for me? ___________________________________________________________

The language of the virtues is specific, clear, and most important of all, easily internalized. It builds authentic self-esteem without over-dependence on approval. General terms even when they are positive, do not hit the mark. Terms such as “good girl”, “That’s a boy”, “Great job”, are too general for children to internalize. These terms promote people pleasing as they only indicate that you are pleased with the child, without giving them any specific information about what they did that was “excellent”, “helpful”, or “creative”.  Giving a specific virtues acknowledgement is different than making general statements of praise which can create guilt. It is not helpful to label a child in any way, positive or negative. We don’t say, “You’re such a kind boy.” We say, “It was kind of you to invite the new boy to play with you. I’m sure it made him feel welcome.”

Naming a specific virtue is a call to the child’s character that resonates within her deepest self. The use of virtue words brings the virtue to our awareness.

We often tell children what we don’t want them to do, thereby focusing them on the very behavior we intend for them to avoid. Don’t hit” suggests hitting. “Don’t argue” focuses on arguing. Focusing on what you want them to do is far more likely to obtain positive results. When a positive statement of what we do want is linked to a virtue, it has the greatest impact. It engages their moral and spiritual awareness.

Virtues as guidance occurs before an action. Virtues as corrections occurs after an action has happened that needs correcting.

How to Give A Virtues Acknowledgement

I see your                      kindness           in helping our new neighbor, Mr. Martin.

I honor you for your        kindness           in the way you helped Jamie.

I acknowledge your        kindness           in the way you helped Jamie.

That showed a lot of       kindness           when you helped our neighbor.

It was                            kind of you        to help our new neighbor.

You were being              kind                  when you helped our neighbor today.

Thank you for                 being kind         when you picked up my papers.

How to Give Virtues Guidance

We need to be               kind                  to our new neighbor.

You need to be              patient              while you wait for lunch.

I need someone to be     helpful   .           I dropped my papers.

How to Give Virtues Correction

Please be                                  kind                  to Jamie, not teasing but friendly.

What would help you to be          peaceful            with each other.

What would be a                        kind                  way to say that.

Be                                            cooperative        now.

Name the Act, Not the Actor

How many of us had experiences of being shamed, which discouraged us and became a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, leading to a lifelong battle with self-esteem? Humiliation discourages our children, while the practice of naming virtues builds authentic self-esteem and real conscience. Holding a child accountable for their actions in a firm, respectful way, and in the context of their ability to choose virtues, is an open invitation to do the right thing.

It does not serve children in the cultivation of character to be “shammed, blamed, or framed” for a misdemeanor. It serves them to be held accountable, to be held responsible, and enabled to make amends and to focus on the virtue they were forgetting to practice.

When we fill a home with discouraging words, such as “lazy”, “stupid”, “hopeless”, “unacceptable”, we are literally de-moralizing and discouraging our children. When we fill our home with encouraging words, such as “helpful”, “compassionate”, “kind”, “cooperative”, we are inviting and reinforcing those behaviors. Above all when we focus on the virtues rather than judgmental statements of good or bad, we are creating a context for character, a climate of meaning.

Creating a Family Mission Statement

In today’s hectic, complicated world, many families find themselves without a “road map” for helping their kids avoid getting lost. It is wise to sit down as a family and create a family mission statement…a set of core values that serves as a road map for behavior? One parent described her approach:

We talked as a family about what types of values we feel proud to live by. Then we posted them on our refrigerator.

Our family believes in…

Treating others the way we want to be treated

Honesty

Politeness

Doing our best even when something is hard or boring

Being healthy and safe

Our three year old needed a lot of help with these, but the older kids caught on quickly. We made sure to admit that we, as parents, would be held accountable for living by these values too! This is a great tool for teaching self-discipline and problem-solving. Now we just say to our kids, “Feel free to do what you would like as long as it fits our family’s values.”

Taken from The Family Virtues Guide and The Virtues Project by Linda Kavelin Popov, and Jim Fay, Love & Logic, Institute.